A Thought Towards "Doing"

Oh, so strange how our own brains can be our biggest enemies.


Our own thoughts work against us so mysteriously and yet so obviously. You'd think it would seem clear when we're being self-deprecating, self-discouraging, despondent, hand-feeding our insecurities, telling ourselves what we can't do before we've even tried to do it. 


I, however, am about to call us all out on something. I'll tell you why we do this, why we don't call our old professors and ask them for advice, why we don't apply for jobs that seem above us, why we don't ask questions because we're afraid of looking unintelligent or silly: because it's easier to sit around in self-loathing and refuse to face a challenge. If we can assume at first step that we are walking directly through the door marked "failure," we are probably going to sit down or, more realistically, lay down, eat something sugary, and wallow in the unbearability of it all.


Even though this tends to be easier in the sense that it requires a lot less effort, less determination, probably less hygiene and more reruns, it certainly feels a lot shittier than going out, attempting, and getting turned down. Getting rejected only means that there is something else for you, something more suitable, more enjoyable even, more fulfilling. Frankly, it doesn't hurt to believe this, or better, in terms of needing a sense of motivation.


So what to do? How do we stand up to ourselves, to our negative energies and fears, and just do something about it? ...Well? Assuming that we start by doing something, why not ironically opt for the one avenue that always made you laugh, not hysterically but knowingly, at the absurdity of its lack of possible turn-out. For me, that happens to be writing directly to the editors of several (hundred) magazines for which I would be honored to be a contributing writer. 


A letter to the editor. I know. Not to the office manager, someone's assistant, not the editor of a specific section. The editor-in-chief. The top of the board. Essentially, because WHY NOT, and even though my obnoxious mind tends to imagine an endless stack of mail that he/she would never even discover, due to its sheer volume or because the interns are assigned to shred it and use it for office party confetti, I am doing it anyway. I am writing 60+ cover letters, all individualized for editors who I have researched, read about, and learned their job history. Not because I think (though I can hope) they will all call me begging me to start tomorrow, that I can name my own pay and have my own office (THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE FOR. MAKE THEM WHAT YOU WANT.), but because I can try it, and see what happens. There is something simply empowering about doing something that intimidates you or seems like a stretch so far you can't see the opposite end of it. Do it anyway. Do it intentionally. Do it and fight your inner critic, the little man in red on your shoulder you finds you pathetic or ordinary or unworthy. Toss your own pitchfork aside and start doing. There is no one there to stop you, no wall or excuse that isn't self-created.  


Updates on sent letters, received responses, and empty space to come. 

Too late for what?

The go-getters in the world will you tell you things like, if you can dream it, you can make it happen. If you can connect your desires with your doings, you'll see results? Make your visions your realities. 


I'm improvising a little, of course, but you get the general idea.


The problem with those boulder-sized wisdoms is that a lot of times these go-getters were merely the next in line for something, part of a family name, were sorta kinda tossed a damn good hand, and can therefore attribute their success to hard work that they never had to do.


I'm really good at generalizing when it comes to things that make my stomach turn, but bear with me for just a moment. Sure, some people are lucky or blessed or destined to always be in the right place at the inexplicably right time. Oh well, right? Good for them, we should all suppose, and in the same beat not forget the ways in which we have been just as fortunate. 


STILL, if you're at all human like me, you can acknowledge that there is a sheer level of difficulty in being happy for other people. Genuinely so, anyway. If you're really going after something, and someone else gets there first, it's all we can do to not mentally trip them on their way to the finish line. I'm just saying. Whatever your downfalls are or aren't, whether you are appalled by my honesty or relieved by it, I think you may know what I mean, whether you would publicly admit it or not. 


BUT, for every daddy's girl that snakes your internship, for every promotion that is given to the wrong person (you decide), for every celebrity that sails into an ivy league school, there are some true success stories that often surprise us, nab our attention, and give us hope. 


Example? I've got one, of course, otherwise this entire lead-in would turn out to be awfully aimless, which is surely the opposite of what encouragement aims to achieve. 


My father is in his sixties, has not had any schooling past the age of an elementary student, and English is his second language. For the last twenty-five years, he has attempted to run his own business, through which he met many obstacles, both financially and physically. Though he is hard-working and I love him dearly, though most people that meet him find him charming and hilarious, he was never quite the business mogul. He tried. He really did, and for that I have to commend him. 


Recently, an unfortunate week on the road brought him one over-turned vehicle, a head injury and persistent pain. After several weeks of talking to doctors, lawyers, insurance companies, and time spent reassuring his current clients, he realized it might be time to consider other avenues of income. A lot had gone wrong during the length of this business: failed partnerships, long hours, and lots of lost money.


So, he made a few calls. So, he had a job interview. So, he got the job.


What? Just like that? Maybe, I guess. It took a lot leading up to that point, if I were to delve into the long version. The point is, the odds are clearly not on his side. Having a variety of odd job experience, working in restaurants and kitchens, some time in the military. He's never used a computer. His recent purchase of a smart phone has left him asking me some hysterical and altogether endearing questions. The email, he finds, is particularly baffling. 


What I'm trying to say is, there is hope in what lies against us. If you asked anyone, I don't think they would pinpoint my dad as the most likely to get hired. Honestly, neither did I. What I was basing that on was his ability to write a resume, and for that matter, what he would be able to put on it as work experience. It feels appropriate, and oddly reassuring, to be humbled by the unexpected. It feels good to know that we don't have to shrug off the impossible or even assume there IS an impossible. There's something to be said for thinking you can and then making it happen. Why not? By now, it's the very best thing we can believe. 

My dad, at 21, working in a diner kitchen.

The Creative Urge

Who are you inspired by? 


It's a serious question. And I'm pretty sure if you ask almost anyone, they'll have a ready answer. They'd be able to tell you who their most-loved people are, their heroes, and almost positively at least one individual would delve into a list of favorite celebrities and/or pop stars. 


But I tend to believe that inspiration is a little more complicated than that. 


More plainly put, who makes you want to do things? Because that's what being inspired is all about. It takes the maybe-someday attitude out of the equation. It creates a motivation that races for the finish line, that blossoms into getting it done, however many miles, however long the getting goes. 


So, with that in mind, here's another question, one we've all no doubt heard exactly thirty or forty (million) times since our senior years of high school: 


"What do you want to do?" 


Basically, it's the modified version of being asked what we want to be when we grow up. And with such daunting inquiries, such blanketed demands of our interests or talents, we had better grow up quick. Such words often used to make me roll my eyes. Mainly, if I had to pick one reason, because what we want to do is often so vast and void and unexplainable, that picking just one thing to commit to, all when we're just barely through being a teenager, seems like a nearly impossible task. Sure, there are the high points, the pastimes or hobbies that win out above all the rest. But just because we'd really like to become this or that doesn't mean we will only be this or that. Hopefully, we will have the rest of our lives to keep answering that question. 


Still, more responsible individuals (present company excluded) expect you to have an answer and a plan, colleges require that you pick a major, future companies want to see your concentration in a specific area. It makes sense, in that way. If you want to be exceptional at something, giving it your attention and respect and practice is probably the most logical way to achieve such an idea. 


But, back to the original question for a second here. Did you know that inspiration specifically applies in fostering the urge to do something creative? And, in the end, if we really had our way of things, do you think we'd prefer to do the things that urge us instead of the things that are merely possible? 


With that in mind, I have a revised version of this formerly timeless question that insists we have the ability to capture the next forty years of our life in a few succinct, intelligent phrases:


What are you URGED to do? 


Think about that, and I guarantee you will have a different answer for those you feel inspired by. When it comes to what we truly delight in, and the people who understand such, we have to consider: Who encourages you? Who hopes the best for you and tells you so? Who says the hard stuff, the honest truths, the what-ifs that make us sleepless, restless, worried? Who thinks we really can succeed at what moves us? Who finds our efforts brave, worthy, enlightening? 


The real answers to those questions will probably bring our inspiration a little closer to home, and a little closer to us. It's a hard time to live through, to be sure. Not the worst time, certainly not the best, though certainly a time we will all survive. What doesn't hurt, however, is the company of those who think we really have what it takes. Not because they're our moms or our friends. But because they can see what we really want and what we really have to offer. That being said, make your urges obvious and sincere. If you want people to believe in you, offer you help, pass along your resume, advocate your abilities, then give them a clear picture of what they stand behind. After all, to have followers or fans of any kind, the leader needs to keep moving forward, in whatever direction they take. 


Sometimes it's all we can do to keep going, to remember that we have people who are counting on us, who don't find our hang-ups to be failures, but rather a crucial part of the process. I have people that think I can really do this. Some days, that's really all you need.