having an ear for it.

Try as we might, we're not very good at listening.

       "...what?"

Exactly, in terms of what we feel on the speaking end of things, as well as the equal frustration we might find in wanting to pay attention, but lacking the will, or even sometimes the ability, to do so. 

Most of the time, when someone is talking to us, even about something explicitly important, something vital or moving or hilarious, more than listening to the details of this person's story, we are busy planning our response, a follow-up to their anecdote a "Yeah, but what about THIS..." counter.

Really, we do. Next time someone is talking to you, see if you do it. See if you can catch yourself wanting to talk back more than than you want to hear what they're saying. Watch and see if your eyes wander, your mind travels ahead of the moment you're in, see if you're distracted by something in front of you, behind their head, self-contained problems, anything at all.

It's fine. It doesn't make us bad people or anything. It just means we're interested in being heard, and that we find our experiences important or interesting. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, really. Things have happened to you, you've had revelations like no other, and that's the truth. But if that's your reality, your very present world, then just think what other people might have to offer in terms of experience or wisdom or recantation. Or, forget lessons learned: how about just something to make you laugh, something you never thought of before, someone's example that can make you bowl over, think deeper, or try harder? Hey, if I ever had the opportunity to believe anything was possible, now would be the exact moment of decision. 

As difficult as it can be to listen up, to cup our hands around our ears, try to breathe quieter and wait, it's become more apparent how this particular downfall can stem into a bigger problem, or personality trait, which are sometimes the same thing. Therefore, confession: I have lately (or perhaps always) found it almost unnatural to ask for help from others. Not because I assume no one else has anything to offer me in terms of assistance, not because I think there's weakness in needing guidance, and not even necessarily because I have a stubborn streak like that of a, well in all senses of the word, ass. I think (or hope) this behavior of mine comes more from a basic and natural need to figure it out myself. It's one of those blessing/curse conundrums that I've always taken to, one that would cause my mom to yell at me numerous times throughout my explorative childhood. Finding me in the midst of a physical disaster, an explosion in the microwave, or a dress with a re-sewn hem (by yours truly) that immediately merited the garment unwearable, I would hear those words, something like: "If you don't know how, JUST ASK."

Sheesh.


Even though that tended to engrain even further that I WOULD do it all on my own (trust me, I still tried), Susan's advice, however frustratingly given, isn't so far from the truth. Why not just ask? If we're not sure of our next step, why not admit that to someone who might know better, someone who's worn our very tired shoes, someone who knows these miles that are stretching out before us. 


I think sometimes we're afraid of hearing what we've already heard before, or worse, what we've already tried before. Almost anyone can give you basic advice, and really, what's so bad about that? I know it gets repetitive, or frustrating, it's hard to nod along or seem enthusiastic about what you feel you already know. 


But, what don't you know? What is hidden in their experience that is new to you, what can you take away from a conversation or a reconnection that brings you hope, new methods, new avenues of risk-taking or, in some cases, attack? I was recently told by someone much younger than me, though the gap in age and life experience certainly doesn't prove him wrong: "The world isn't going to just hand you what you want. You have to go out and take it." This teeny and heartfelt piece of wisdom doesn't lie; if you want the truth, demand it and accept nothing less. If you want to know how, look into it, read up, ask around. 


You'd be surprised to know how many people are going through your situation, similarly, identically, struggling in the exact ways you are, searching for comparable answers, struggling through the same dilemmas. Don't let that be your discouragement, don't make it a way to be aware of your competition or your enemies. Rather, these people are your allies. They want good for you as much as you want it for yourself and as much as they want it for themselves. It's funny how knowledge of a person's troubles makes them more human to us, more bearable, it brings us to a purer sense of compassion. Hopefully if we can stand the idea of asking for advice (trust me, it gets easier and more humbling every time), perhaps we will likewise develop a better listening ear, for whatever circumstance that may bring. I'd like to silence my mind, every once in awhile, I'd like to test my limits a little and stop multi-tasking all the time. Imagine that, if you can. Sheer crazy-talk at this point, but something worth considering. 


It's important to face that we need each other. And that certain people know things that we don't. I know, it's positively unbelievable. But if we can wrap our minds around that fact, we can surely find a way to comprehend and make use of the ideas and encouragement we're given. That way, in, on a twisted fated someday, we might be the ones who have the advice to give, the shared experiences to delve into, the stories to spread. You never can tell. 




Sidenote: A recent submission to Warby Parker for the job opening of "copywriter extraordinaire" has put me into a current good-vibe-mode about the potential to work for and represent a company and a cause I can truly support. Updates sure to follow.