I do, often terribly, try to practice patience with our headstrong, speed-driven planet. I find that our particular age is one of instant-everything. We are instructed, from the womb onward, to expect all things IMMEDIATELY. We gripe over waiting a few minutes in line, we snap viciously at those who (we say) have wasted our time, time we would have likely only spent anxiously tapping our feet elsewhere, eating while driving while making lists while moving while texting while breathing, everything requires being scheduled in or out, nothing unplanned is acceptable, nothing that takes over an hour is bearable. And I find that, most awful of all, we can be guilty of such behavior even when we don't want to be, even when we don't agree with or want to be a part of it whatsoever. It's why we scold ourselves for wishing for free time to do, well, whatever the hell we want, and why we constantly berate ourselves for not completing our to-do lists, always ever-long.
I know that it seems crazy, counterintuitive, non-sensical, and strange compared to that particular culture of calamity, but our happiness is choose-able, and not necessarily able to be tied up in that monstrosity of a mess, should you dare to believe it.
It should be known that I myself am a massive failure in this regard, and do often, if not daily, forget that I have the eternal option of both happiness and discouragement. It's tough, though, since the world we live in that thrives on tearing you down, that operates on the rule that everything is inadequate, you are never quite up to par, the standards will always hang out of your reach, etcetera forever and ever.
This ties in to the current hunt for employment BECAUSE going out into the world is like blindly walking into a massacre. It is brutally unfair. It has no choice but to let you down, and it is meant for a fighting spirit of only the strongest sort. That, coupled with everyone's impatience that you get on with already, that you hurry up and be something, and no wonder we're feeling beyond frazzled, out of our heads, and disappointed with ourselves. The fact is, we're being thrown to the proverbial den of lions, and everyone is here for the show, standing on the edge of the pit peering down as if to say, Hurry it up already, give in our get out.
It's more than easy to develop an attitude of defeat in conditions like these. Why not, really. Even if happiness is our choice and we know it, how could it even seem possible to flow in that direction when all of our circumstances dictate the opposite? Could it really be that we are not our surroundings, we are not made of what breaks us, but rather we are the stronger (yes, STRONGER) result of having been broken?
I get it, though. After enough is enough, we start to get a bit riled up, somewhat upset, our distress turns bitter and we're frankly feeling permanently pissed off. Right? By that point, it only seems appropriate that we form a fighting stance, push everyone out of our way and announce,
"Okay, so I've learned my lessons here. Now what?"Well. Chances are we aren't as ready as we assume, or presume, to be. If we're demanding a way out as soon as things are no longer to our liking, we have probably yet to absorb the truth that is there for us, we have most likely not yet found the real reason for that particular burden. We probably, though I fear to say it, have much farther to go.
The fact is, learning isn't meant to be easy. And fighting the frame we've been trained to operate by, ie. now now now, is a difficult thing to suddenly give up and start denying. We have to renounce our need for instant gratification? We have to realize the world has indoctrinated us to bypass life and always want more? Well. That, my friends, is going to be tough.
I believe there is a real and significant difference between wanting what's best and being willing to work (and wait) for it. I mean, we've all cut corners in one way or another. Two-in-one shampoo + conditioner, we own car-ready cell phone chargers, we make meals of frozen food, we bargain shop, we speak in initials and abbreviate slang, for God's sake. But there are, truly and GLADLY, some things that only time can marinate, only a bona fide valley can prepare you for, and only humility can teach you.
If the only thing you can gather from it all is that it's okay to go a little easier on yourself, that doing your best is not always everyone else's version of "best" (alright, in fact, it never is), that being focused on something doesn't drop it on your doorstep, but the vision is the first step of any and all reality. Lose that, and you risk the hope to keep it going.
The antsy side of me, the side that has been trained to expect all places to be equipped with drive-thrus (oh, heaven help me, goddamn the drivethrus), for all things to be at one-click access, that being put on hold is outrageous, is ready to start moving. I'm not sure, that despite even these heavy realizations, that fact will ever change. I feel that we're allowed to be ready for revolution, that's part of it, the very first, perhaps the beginning of it all. But the preparation matters, too. And if there's a reason for it, then I suppose it would be best to sit still (can you imagine?) and start listening. When all other options seem hopeless, and hopelessness is one hard fight to master, despite all things before us we can sit up, hands cupped to our ears, waiting to hear the hum.
Update (9:03 AM): Today that hum came in the form of what I have to believe was mercy. One phone call, and things are looking up.
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