Count your what?

Today feels like a day for a challenge. A big one. So? I'm going see if I can at least try to realize the things I'm grateful for, in the midst of this otherwise daunting and (currently) unchanging circumstance.

That in mind, I wouldn't really consider myself a glass-half-full person. I'm not a downer, but I tend to think of things realistically rather than ideally. It's a flawed gift. That being said, this particular milestone, for me and those like me, is pretty big and pretty honest. I might choke on my words later, or as I write them, but I do mean them and will try to remember them the next time I'm one second away from chucking a latte at an unsuspecting person's forehead. (See? That's the real me.)

1. First things first, I am not a garbage man on a garbage truck. I was stuck driving behind one today and after a full minute or two of complete annoyance, I realized, asshole that I am, these people are only trying to make their living. In a very sweaty and unforgivingly smelly environment. Though I damn the scent of espresso on a daily basis, it is not anywhere near as stomach-churning the stench of someone else's week-old refrigerator clean-outs. I watched a five-foot man reach full body into a curbside can. Truth.

2. Relatively speaking, I don't have an overwhelming amount of financial responsibilities. I have the standard check-list, all of which are manageable, and I am not digging for change in the couch cushions in order to meet my monthly demands. Can I buy new shoes? No. But I can eat and sleep, simple luxury that is not as available as you'd hope or imagine.

3. Though I have a lot of days where my hope tends to dwindle, I have not lost it just yet. Its light is faint and flickering, but I can still see it, every step of the way.

I admit I've always been one of those people who rolled their eyes whenever a friend (or enemy) cheerfully stated, "Well, it could be worse!" Though, begrudgingly, I believe what always caused me to grimace at those words was the fact that they were very, very true. It COULD be worse. In every way. And while I don't humble myself before that phrase, I acknowledge it with some decency, I give it a half nod or a small wave like you would when you bump into someone you haven't seen for a long time, someone you weren't exactly dying to reconnect with while pushing a shopping cart with your hair wet, buying tampons, reading celebrity tabloid magazines. For instance.

It's an awkward reunion, re-realizing this frankly unpleasant fact. However, the point remains that even though the worst is never exactly upon us, doesn't mean we are obligated to be content with our current standing. We don't have to like it, we certainly don't have to thank it. I can just imagine the day I go and kiss the Siren's feet in gratitude. There will be swine flapping their wings everywhere.

I think we can strike a balance between thankfulness and determination. I think we can take our fretting and dismay in stride. We can try to weigh it against the irreplaceably good things that we already have, if we want to, if we can spin it that way.

When I say we, I mean I. I get that there's a difference between a blessing and a circumstance. One is surely sprinting far ahead of the other. But that hope I referred to clinging to, I have a feeling is going to be a lot easier to grasp if I can find the good. I'll dig it up, wherever it may grow.